I started my dialysis treatment on September 2003 and has been through it for almost seven years now. I have experienced so many things all that time, have seen fellow patients come and go , but still I’m at it up until now. A friend once asked me if I ever get tired of dialysis? Of course I do. But for someone who’s been through a lot and fought all the way, succumbing to weariness is never an option.
If you’re wondering if I ever experienced depression, well the answer is yes, I did. I was diagnosed with Chronic Kidney Failure at 26 and for someone who’s merely starting to make something of his life, the reality of my predicament is just too much to handle. I guess anybody, under the same circumstances, would feel the impact and would think about what tomorrow might bring. In fact, almost any patient (not just with kidney failure) would go through some form of depression or another. Maybe it’s simply human nature to ask the “Why’s” whenever we’re faced with life-changing events.
I did go through a state of depression while I was still at the early stages of my treatment. I still go through it now from time to time. The only difference I made is that I never let it show, not if I can help it. Depression, for me, is a mind set. The more you think about it, the more you would feel it’s effect on your life. I’m not saying that I’m numbing myself from all the pain and the weariness. All I’m implying is that when depression sets in, it’s still your choice whether to fight that feeling or simply succumb to it and allow it to conquer you instead.
I’m still here, fighting as best I can and looking forward to win an uphill battle someday. Need I say more that I chose the former? That I never allowed depression to take the most out of life, eve through the most wearying times of my treatment? They say that I’m an optimist and I tend to look on the brighter side of life. That I am. Why wouldn’t I? I’m already living on the side of life where darkness just looms beyond the horizon. Believe me, I wouldn’t deprive myself the pleasure of looking on the bright side.
I hope you would too.
- images courtesy of RLHyde and ktylerconk
Article by Julius
Julius is a blogger and a freelance graphics artist undergoing dialysis treatment since 2003. An enthusiastic person by nature, he loves to write, blog, cook, read books, tinker around, listen to rock music, and do research.
{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I appreciate your blog and the ensuing comments.It has given me some sense of security knowing that my parents and especially my mother’s healthcare will be in good hands.
My parents (in their 80s) are insisting upon returning home to the Philippines. My mother just started dialysis in December 2011 here in the states but they want to be in their own home. I am relieved to hear that there are quality dialysis options for her in the Philippines (probably at Dasmarinas, De La Salle Medical Centre) until we can convince them to come back to the states where family members can be closer and more helpful and the costs are more reasonable since she has Medicare.
I will continue to worry about them and especially her but they have the right to live their lives the way they want to. No matter what their children want.
Hi! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Yes, there are numbers of facilities here that offers quality treatment nowadays. Mostly for those who can afford, at any rate. For those who cannot, there are still ways to support the required treatment.
It’s a matter of preference, and I can understand your mother’s wishes to return here. But on the practical side, staying there is more logical. Either way, you support and love is what matters most, and what really counts.
Keep it up and good luck!
hi julius! your blog really is an inspiration. i’m also a dialysis patient going 6 years now. i was diagnosed year 2006 and i was only 25. so i can really relate to your story, i get depressed and admitted in the ICU on my 6th month of dialysis due to self denial and lack of discipline. after that painful (i thought it was my end – got an edema) and costly 5 days admission that i have realized my situation without fully acceptance of one’s body will be harder and stressful to carry. and so after that realization, i started to diet (limit my fluid intake, less pork, salts, preserves, etc.), i researched and read articles about our condition and shared my experiences to other patients. up until now, when i see new young patients being admitted, i feel sad, however at the same it gives me strength to help them in all i can to give them tips, ideas and handouts about our condition. dialysis is not an end. rather is the start of our second life. yes second life for without these genius machines we won’t be here now and sharing our own stories. by the way it’s really heart warming sharing this to people i don’t know. to all who suffer and share the same condition just like us be strong guys and never – never let your faith go down. Keep the faith to wellness always strong and believe that He has a reason for why we have this.. Grace to Us..
hi Julius,
Wonderful blog and such a great source of strength for those who are in the same situation as yours. My boyfriend is having his dialysis twice a week. He started last year October 2011 and I am planning to visit him during his dialysis soon. We are just a new couple so I am still adjusting and trying to be familiar on his real situation. I just would like to ask some details about the dialysis fee in PKDF. Maybe if you aren’t too busy you could send it to my e-mail at xiao_mei79@hotmail.com. Because my boyfriend wants to move to a much cheaper dialysis center for the present one really costs his family a lot. And I would like to help him in anyway I can like finding a better center for him ^_^ I really hope to hear from you soon. Thanks a lot and God bless.
hi julius your article on poverty…took my attention…yes that is very true…am a dialysis patient now for about 7 months and i have experienced that and seen that around…i was thinking if we could all organize and have our voices heard that maybe the government should now make dialysis free to stable end stage patients. because i believe dialysis is no longer just an illness it has become a lifestyle to so many Filipinos. If we count our numbers Im sure we are now we more than a million.
Hi Julius
. i love my brother very much and i wish i could do something for him cause it hurts me seeing him like that.. I also wish you the best and will keep you in prayers
Im glad i read your story. I have my brother whos 31 yrs old and his taking PD been on it since last yr around oct. his gone thru alot. His system at the moment is crazy like right now his phosphorus is really high dosnt want to eat anything and he has his down days specially cause he has a 9 yr old and he feels he cant take him to places cause his tierd and legs get so swollen but of course we always do everything we can so he wont feel like that. He took it really hard cause his had a kidney transplant before when he was 12yrs old when both of his kidneys gave up on him my mom donated him a kidney and thats the one failing he feels like he did something wrong witch of course thats not it cause he took care of him self really good always on a diet and always going for runs.So all we can do is be positive and have patients w him and always help him out his son and him live with my parents..
nakaka inspire naman ng sinabi mo ako isang tulad mong may sa kit na ganyan pero bilib ako sa katapangan mo
I am 79 years old. Should I forget the whole subject of dialysis etc,?
I’ve been reading posts about Dialysis patients… some are uplifting – inspiring pero a lot of them are depressing – I can relate….this is what happens when I go or dialysis treament on M-W-Fs. I feel good when I come in… all the Staff are nice and friendly – they always tease me and I really like that … otherwise, they would not talk to me at all. But when I walk in and start seeing the old patients – I immediately think “is this what I am looking forward to???” I’ve been on dialysis since July of 2010…The doctors and nurses say I have good labs.. or I am still young..and I am right for a kidney transplant. Deep inside my heart, I know I am just a patient, a number, a statistic, a job for them… Depression kicks in when Grace, my nurse, starts poking my arm with a needle to start the dialysis procedure. I can not get used to the pain – albeit it is just like an ant bite ( magnified a few times ) … then I tell my self to hang on – be glad you’re alive.. be glad you are able to still work full-time…then I think about my wife. She hasn’t been working since she got laid off in September 2010. I am the only breadwinner. I am waiting to retire when I hit 55. I just hope I will be strong enough to enjoy my last days with the wife and kids in Texas. I REALLY REALLY miss them. I have been crying… I think all my tears are gone now..i can not show weakness to my wife and kids. It is like journeying into the knowledge that I am dying… the only question is when and how soon… I am so afraid…not much because of dying but of the things that will happen to my wife and my two sons after I pass away… Playing guitar for the church on Saturdays and Sundays keeps me going… i’ve been keeping a journal to put my feelings and frustrations down.. Life goes on – for a lot of people – but the thought of dying is hard to get off my brain – like a big rock upon my head… i do not know – time will tell… i will fight back … i love my family too much.. i will never give up
I enjoy reading your messages here but I am also fill with sadness what you guys have to go through on alternate days… Ever heard of “Sabah Snake Grass”? Available only in Malaysia – particularly in the state of Sabah. I tried to leave a comment earlier but somehow doesnt work. I hope it works this time. Cheers and God bless abundantly too
Hello JULIUS,
I’ve been on dialysis treatment since July of 2010. Three and 1/2 hours – 3 times a week – that gives me plenty of time to think, analyze and sometimes over-analyze my life.. i googled my thoughts “i’m sick of going through dialysis treatments” and your blog came out. I kept reading the posts and eventually i found out na Pinoy ka pala. I’m already 52 and the people undergoing dialysis are all in their 60s .. everytime i see them i ask myself “is this what i should look forward to??? then a slight depression comes in.. lagi akong umi-iyak – especially when the needle poking starts. I’m so glad the nurses are all Pinoys
4 males and 2 females and they are nice and warm. My defense mechanism is making pinoy jokes… at the end of the day naman, i go home… talk to my wife and kids who are in another state.. i can not talk about my feelings to them kasi it’s a sign of weakness .. i have to be strong for them. I used to live near Roces avenue in QC.. I have not been back since 1990. Glad to know we have Dialysis facilities there.. puede na ako’ng umuwi for a vacation..
Again, thank you for your posts.. till my next post…
Belated Happy Easter nga pala to you and your family..
Thank you so much for being so positive – I will try to embrace that thought.
That’s the spirit. Ganito talaga ang buhay nating mga dialysis patient. We get to experience first hand how it it is to literally live each day of our existence, simply because we don’t know for sure what’s in store for us everytime we go into treatment. But like I said over and over again in my posts here – you have to be strong, not just for the ones you love, but mainly for yourself. That strength you’ll hold in yourself will radiate outside and surely the people around you will feel it.
Don’t ever lose hope and always have faith in life. Believe me, this will pull you through.
Thanks for dropping by and reading my blog.
Hi Julius I can’t help but commend you on the way you fight your sickness, always remember think positive and don’t lose faith in God.
Peni Gardner´s last [type] ..Find the Perfect Weatherford Real Estate
Thanks for wonderful words, Peni. May God also shower His blessings upon you!
Good balance in the nutrition and diet of patients undergoing dialysis is actually important. This is because the patients do not have the capacity to digest any kind of food, with their condition.
That’s right RJ, and good nutrition isn’t just beneficial for chronic kidney patients, but for healthy people as well.
Julius, what a tremedously positive and deeply informed perspective you bring to your blog. While I only have a problem of high cholesterol and gout which pales in comparison I take great inspiration from your writings and replies. Thank you for that.
Mark
Thanks for dropping by Mark and I’m glad that what I write inspires you. I’ll try to write more useful and informative articles and share my treatment experiences.
I have the same problem with the heat here in Thailand, 40 degrees here at the moment!
Dialysis should be more cautious than healthy people. You need to limit your water intake and modify your diet. Faulty diets will surely need you to pay more visits to your dialysis center. Learn the do’s and dont’s of diet so that your life span will be lengthened.
That’s right Meggan, and not only that, but might result in frequent hospitalization as well.
A poor diet can increase the amount of waste in the body and over burden the kidneys. A good tip is to drink a pint of water about 30mins before every meal and a pint of water afer. This can help the kidneys remove wastes and toxins quicker.
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I did when it happened to me in ever meeting.
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Dear Julius,
My father has CKD,which has been diagnosed last month….. it is heart wrenching as he does not have diabetes,high blood pressure or heart ailments…..the kidney failure was due to some bacteria….as the biopsy report suggests……he was complaining previously with Gout like symptoms…. he is 75 yrs and was hale and hearty previously…… he has been so positive even being told by the doctor about his condition….. he gets up at 4am in the morning to travel a long distance for his hemodialysis…..as he stays in a place in India where there are no good dialysis centres nearby….. the doctors suggested after his fistula is ready after 1 month , he can do it at a nearby centre and the danger of infection will be less…. the doctor also told he can opt for peritoneal dialysis….. let’s see what happens…. meanwhile he is on a diet
recommended by a renal dietician…….
Thanks for sharing your story, Suparna. I’m glad to hear that your father maintains a positive outlook on his predicament. Support him in this optimism and let him feel that he’s loved even more. These will help him ease the burden of the journey and pull through the obstacles ahead.
I wish your father good health through his treatments and strength for you. God bless!
I really enjoyed your blog post, i always got good, relevant and useful information from your new and unique posts, i m sure your blog will keep us continues update. Thanks for providing us such useful information.
Dieting and nutrition have always helped me in my life. Having good health and a stronger body. When I eat right my body has energy to do what I need to do through out the day. Great post thank you for all the information.
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Great post. I know a few people with kidney issues and this really helps.
Hi,
I really enjoyed this post, I’m a nursing student and I’m trying to figure out a day in the life of a dialysis patient and your posts are giving me lots of insight, Thanks!
Hi .. Thank you for sharing this .. It is informative .. and Interesting ..
More Power !!
and GodBless us ..
nice post.. Yung nanay ko, sobrang depressed hanggang ngayon. ipapabasa ko sakanya tong blog mo.
thankyou
Thanks for the comment, Aldrich. Tulungan nyo ang nanay mo to fight depression. This is the time she needs you most so having a positive outlook on things would be helpful to her.
In addition to exercise, eating is probably even more important in the formula. I’ve found that eating a raw whole food, plant based diet minimizes the symptoms or even cures some conditions that are considered incurable, like many forms of cancer or diabetes. I’m not sure about kidney function but I’m sure it couldn’t hurt to detoxify the body in that way.
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Thanks for the great post about food for dialysis patients. Your post brought up a lot of interesting points that I haven’t thought about. I’m looking forward to reading a lot more of your site in the future.
delora @ find a healthy diet´s last [type] ..Devising a Healthy Low Fat Vegan Diet Plan For New Vegetarians
Your post really moved me! I do not have any serious life-threatening conditions, but I think I can feel your pain and sadness.
I thought it was going to be some boring old post, but it really compensated for my time. I will post a link to this page on my www. I am sure my visitors will find that very useful. . . . BTW visit my site min deposit poker
Great article Julius. You made it clear that a good diet is important lifestyle for a healthy living. This will help flush out toxins in our body.
Hi Julius,
I added you site already to my blogroll, please do the same for my blog.
Thanks,
Emma
Dialysis Patient Care´s last [type] ..Hemodialysis Devices- Dialyzers
this disease is becoming such an epidemic. I think early detection and just knowing if you are predisposed is key to the progression.
Quite right. Though CKD is often diagnosed at a later stage, you still have the choice to have yourself screened for kidney disease if you think you’re at risk.
Thanks for the great post about food and dialysis patients. Your post brought up a lot of interesting points that I haven’t thought about. I’m looking forward to reading a lot more of your site in the future.
delora @ find a healthy diet´s last [type] ..Devising a Healthy Low Fat Vegan Diet Plan For New Vegetarians
Thanks for dropping by Delora. I’ll try to post more informative articles in the future.
Just an excellent blog you have here. Its very information and I enjoy reading it. I try to visit your blog about twice a week just to see what you have posted
Keep it up.
I was wondering if you can exchange links with me, my blog is http://dialysis-patient-care.blogspot.com, it will really help our Google PageRank and at the same time, it will increase our visitors. I would love to share you stuff to my readers. I went ahead and added your blog to my blogroll, hope you can also do the same.
Sincerly,
Emma
Thanks for dropping by Emma. I’m glad to hear that you like what I write about and happy to find a fellow Pinoy writing about it also.
There’s no problem about the link exchange. I’d gladly put your link in my blogroll. Thanks again for visiting!
this article has made me think about myself. i’ve been undergoing dialysis treatment also for two months now at dela salle univ. med’l center here in dasma, cavite. just last friday, i had my monthly lab tests and was saddened by the result that my creatinine level has gone up again instead of lowering down. i was depressed, of course, because, i was thinking that thru dialysis twice a week, somehow, my creatinine would get to back to normal level. this makes me think that why do i have to waste my time and money if i can’t get the kind of result that i need.
but after reading your note/blog, i realized that i was not the only person who suffers this kind of depression. but in your case, you positively handles you depression and i admire for that.
nsm
Thanks. But let me ask you something first. Are you suffering from Chronic Kidney Disease, or just a bout of Acute Kidney Failure? Because if you’re suffering from CKD, then you’ve got to set something in your head first – your creatinine levels won’t get back into normal no matter how much dialysis you get. It will go down to a more acceptable level through constant dialysis and watching what you eat. But it will never be normal unless your kidneys started to work normally again, and that’s obtained by getting a kidney transplant.
My advice is that you do more research on your condition. The more you know about it, the less the impact it will be on you emotionally simply because you’ll know more facts.
Cheer up and enjoy life!
Great post!I understand how you feel.I was diagnosed with ESRD at the age of 23. I’ve been on dialysis for 10 months and I’m trying my best to stay as healthy as possible.
Actually you can lower your creatinine to slightly above normal levels by sticking to a strict diet. My creatinine level was at 21 when I started. I switched to a vegetarian diet and only eggs as a source of protein. I was able to lower it to 3. I think I can’t get lower than 3 because I regularly exercise and the breakdown of muscles contributes to creatinine generation.
Also to fellow guys who are undergoing dialysis, try coq10 supplementation. It is very beneficial in improving our remaining kidney function. You can google it for more info.
Your post really moved me! I do not have any serious life-threatening conditions, but I think I can feel your pain and sadness. I am glad that you have chosen to be happy and see the bright side of life rather than mope around and feel sorry for your predicament. I believe that God has given you this ordeal because you can bear it. I wish you all the best in your health.
I love your positive attitude! I think that always makes the difference.
Thanks Melinda for dropping by! I’ve always been an optimist all my life, even through this life-changing situation I’m into. And yes, It does makes a difference. I just wish other people would also make optimism a habit. It wouldn’t just lighten up things but would also teach us to cope more easily with every conflict that we encounter.
Now wouldn’t that be nice.
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Hi Julius,
I found you in Blogger’s Unite where both of us have entries for “Empowering People With Disabilities”. My “website” is really my main blog site but my entry for Blogger’s Unite came from my other blog, and this is the URL: http://dreamslist.blogspot.com/2010/06/my-prodigy.html
I admire your disposition which is enough to give you a longer life full of fulfillment because you inspire people.
I wonder where you’re having your dialysis because I visit NKTI (National Kidney Transplant Institute) for several reasons but not as a patient. I have some friends there now, one reason why I am now a fan of NKTI in Facebook, though I am really now an advocate of TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) where acupuncture is one of its area for healing. I have three gadgets for acupuncture, one is an electronic acupuncture, another is a needleless acupoint gadget and the third one a comb gadget for hypertension. I started being an advocate in my search for solutions for my adoptive daughter who has cerebral palsy and acupuncture is one if not the best solution.
I usually publish my experiences with my gadgets in my 3 blogs, like in my last entry in my main blog, “I Don’t Want To Retire”, which I hope you’ll visit because there is an important “message” for you there, just look for the link that has the word “message”.
May God bless you always.
Lubel (Maria Luisa Taa Venida)
Lubel´s last [type] ..Fighting a fever without medicines
Thanks for dropping by here, Lubel. I really appreciate it. I’m currently undergoing dialysis in PKDF (Philippine Kidney Dialysis Foundation), a clinic in Tomas Morato, QC. It’s a lot cheaper there than at NKTI and it’s where I’ve been recommended by my doctor.
You have a nice blog and I hope to read more of it these coming days.